The Invisible Child-Eating Crocodiles that Live Absolutely Everywhere

Have you ever gotten a forward filled with funny, Photoshopped versions of children's books, all with seemingly the worst possible content and titles? Well, I get them a lot, and they never fail to amuse me, almost to the point of falling-out-of-my-chair laughter. ROFLing, if you will. I've written a half-dozen or so unpublished children's books, mostly for school, but I've never reached the raunchy caliber of some of the 'Shopped horrors that I have found while trolling about the internet. I hadn't thought about them for a while, but today I ran across another or Cracked.com's Photoshop contests. I'd like to share that, and a few more links to awful conceptions of books that should never be read by anyone, let alone children.
Just as a warning, a lot of these may be NSFW. _{That is, Not Safe for Work, for the less acronym-savvy among my readership.}
Books Your Local Library Will _Probably Not Have in Their Children's Section
Cracked: The 40 Most Inappropriate Children's Book Covers
DeviantART: Evil Children's Books
TresSugar: Recalled Children's Books
SlashFilm: Pixar Artist Josh Cooley’s Lil’ Inappropriate Golden Book Movies R Fun
Listverse: Kids Books Your School Doesn’t Stock: Part I & Part II
Something Awful: Children's Books: This goes on for 10 pages. And they are all awesome.
Huffington Post: The Creepiest Children's Books EVER: They all exist. For real.
For those of you who don't have the greatest internet connection, here are a few list-only links
1Funny: Top 50 Children's Book Title Ideas
Lots of Jokes: Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
University of Michigan: Children's Book Titles You'll Never See
Facebook: Children's Book Titles Never Published
For people with quick, amazing, awesome internet _{unlike me}, here is a video.
Strong Bad E-mail: Kid's Book
And yes, I know that there are some repeats across these lists. But how many awful parodies of juvenile literature did you honesty want in existence?
~Sushi

Hyrumisms

One of my favorite teachers from KCC, Dr. Hyrum LaTurner--yes, I had an actual doctor [of philosophy] for a teacher--is leaving my alma mater to teach in Utah. Even though I'm friends with him on Facebook, and even though I don't go to KCC anymore, having graduated a few weeks ago, I still feel like something will be missing once he is gone. And so, to immortalize Hyrum on the internet in a way I'm sure he won't exactly appreciate, I dug up my notes from the class I took with him my first semester at KCC. You see, Hyrum is absolutely, and unintentionally, hilarious. I wrote down some of the funniest things he said, and I had planned to publish them at some point. This is that point.
Without further ado, I present, in no particular order:
Hyrumisms
9/2/2008
"And it made me want to vomit... It just rubbed me weird!"--on the textbook/curriculum


8/26/2008
"Do dogs have math?"


9/2/2008
"Is it going to be easy to involve people in an activity that'll suck for them but'll be absolutely great for your mother?"


9/22/2008
"...wild 'n' crazy crap..."--on Thrasymachus, from Plato's Republic


9/22/2008
"...locked in the closet, thrown dog food... Hey, this is my autobiography! My parents did that to me!"--on making humans less human


9/22/2008
"People they call righteous get away will all kinds of crap."


9/22/2008
"Happy is its own kind of thing, isn't it?"


9/22/2008
"Neither that either!"


9/22/2008
"I take some of the names that you call me and I turn around and tell them to my grandkids, and they think it's hilarious."--on how old geezers can play pranks, too


9/22/2008
"We can't let our evil guy ever slip up because then he'd just be an idiot. This guy is just really good at being evil."--on justice vs. evil


9/30/2008
"Maybe I'll find a really good gruesome picture to leave it on."-on watching awfully depressing movies on Youtube


9/30/2008
"If you starve to death, you can have as much hope as you want; you're still dead."--on hope


9/30/2008
"There is a kind of positive spin on suffering."


9/30/2008
"Right! You're uniquely alone in the world!"--on being an individual


10/7/2008
"Lots of money equals lots of rules."


10/7/2008
"They're a perfect storm of wisdom."--on true guardians, from Plato's Republic


10/7/2008
"Even if you're schizophrenic, there's still just one of you."--on the soul


10/7/2008
"Wow, check that out! There's body parts all over the highway!"--on not wanting to look


9/9/2008
"You boyfriend hasn't been coming to my class!"

"Well, my boyfriend also dumped me..."

"Huh. Well, whenever he comes back, I'll give him an 'F'."--on my failed relationship


9/9/2008
"What in the heck is so important about this crap?"--on Plato's Republic


9/9/2008
"You know... they don't have Viagra in the 4th century B.C."


9/9/2008
"You should turn the other cheek because you... preserve your cheeks."--on morality


9/9/2008
"You freakin' idiot! You ruined my horse and turned it into a dog!"--on proper training


10/28/2008
"If you're a cobbler and somebody's robbing old ladies, you can't just be like, 'I'm a cobbler! All I do is make shoes!'"--on justice


10/28/2008
"I can hit you with a hammer just as well as anyone, but it won't get rid of the tumor."--on useless philosophers


10/28/2008
"When you see the truth, people will think there's something wrong with you."


11/4/2008
"'Wow, he's hot.' And the other one would be like, 'No, he's not...'."--on beauty


11/4/2008
"If I and you had a different meaning of the word beauty..."


11/4/2008
"Oh gross, it's so beautiful!"


11/4/2008
"Somebody might say that's beautiful and you say 7.5. That's just double-pretty. That's not beautiful."


11/4/2008
"That happens all the time with dumb masses!"--[say it quickly; I dare you.]


11/4/2008
"To say something is to imply its is-ness."--defining "is"


This one just about sums it up:
11/4/2008
"You know, I know that I'm weird... in lots of ways..."
We know, Hyrum. We know.
~Sushi

RE: An Open Letter to Stephen King

As you may recall, I wrote a post a couple months ago concerning Stephen King. My dad and I are two of a legion of rabid fans who listen to audiobooks, and we found it bothersome that our favorite book, Christine, was not available in this format. Well, Mr. King has finally heard our plea, and is releasing a slew of audiobooks, including the one we have waited so long for, on May 1st of this year. I, for one, am absolutely thrilled, and I'd like to think that I played a small part in this by posting my letter. After all, everyone Googles their name from time to time. Who knows? Maybe my blog was one of the millions of hits that came up. Whether or not I had anything to do with it, I'm still excited. Here's the countdown!

Awww, mushrooms are so cute.
~Sushi

Unusual Spares and Competitive Applicants

Some jobs are quite easy to obtain. A job at a mental health facility doesn't fall into that category, however. In order to even be placed on their waiting list, I had to spend the day at my local facility, taking test after test:
1. the initial application
2. a written test
3. a physical agility test [not kidding]
4. a video test
5. a form-writing test
6. a personal interview
There was no moving on unless you passed each section. Despite its being at about an eighth-grade level, half the room was cleared after the written test. We didn't even have to do the math sections, only reading and basic English. I suppose I had an almost nauseating advantage there; my ACT scores for both reading and English were in the high 30s. My only real concern was the physical agility test; I might not be completely out of shape, but I'm no Olympian. In order to pass, we had to do the following:
1. Walk a mile [20 laps around the gym] in less than 17:42
2. Transfer a 70 lb. dummy patient from one table to another, without a struggle
3. Pull 145 lbs. from an upright position
4. Complete a shuttle run in less than 32 seconds
I had fifteen seconds left by the time I finished the mile; it's tougher than it seems. And, of course, I managed to fall during the shuttle run, and skin a hole in my knee. But, I did it in about 25 seconds. No sweat.
The video test and form test were no big deal, and the interview was almost completely about ethics. That's something I have no trouble with. If you see someone yelling at a patient or stealing staplers, you tell someone. You don't encourage it, or ask which supply cabinet is unlocked.
So, I passed the entire test, and have been placed on an applicant list for a year. If they call me, though, I could have issues. Their training program is run for four to six weeks, Monday to Friday, from 8 am to 4 pm. In order to do that, I'd have to quit school.
So, in spite of passing, there was actually no point in me going. Not too pleased about that.
In order to cheer me up, I am including a pictoral, though not necessarily representative, list of bowling terms. Spock and I went bowling on Tuesday, and I managed to break our lane. We think it was because I managed to hit what the computerized bowling coach called an 'unusual spare'. Too much awesome.
20 Hilarious Bowling Terms
^{with pictures!}
1. Baby Ball - a delicate release

2. Turkey - three strikes in a row

3. Snake Eyes - a 7-10 split

4. Logs - heavy pins used for practice

5. Bicycle - a pin hidden behind another pin

6. On the nose - hitting the headpin dead-on

7. Pie - a lane that is easy to score on

8. Mother-in-Law - the 7 pin

9. Honey - a good ball

10. Woolworth - the 5-10 split

11. Apple - a bowling ball

12. Puddle - a gutter ball

13. Umbrella Ball - a high hit on the nose resulting on a strike

14. Snow Plow - a ball that clears all the pins for a strike

15. Rat Club - a team shooting low scores

16. Lilly - the 5-7-10 split

17. Jam - forcing the ball high in the pocket

18. Graveyards - low-scoring lanes

19. Dodo - a ball out of legal weight or balance

20. Chicken Wings - a bowler's elbow leaving their body

Alley-oop!
~Sushi

Different Ending, Same Reaction

I don't remember the last time I read a book that made me cry. However, I often cry during movies. I think it's because of the added visual element; rather than merely reading about someone's pain, you see their faces twisted with grief or disgust, families ripped apart, people's brains blown out. Today, though, I finished a book that made me cry, and is still forcing tears to my eyes.
The first time I read My Sister's Keeper, by Jodi Picoult, I didn't even know what medical emancipation was. I was simply reading it for the book club I belonged to at the time. While it may have sparked some passion--though I don't know how much passion I could honestly muster up when I was fourteen--it was just another sob story in a long line of books to read and discuss. But, then the movie adaptation came out last year. I recalled reading the book, as did my mother, so we borrowed the DVD from the library. Now, there are films that have been described as tear-jerkers, or three-hanky movies; this movie came closer to ten hankies. Upon finishing the movie, I had this nagging in the back of my head that all was not well on-screen. A couple days ago, I picked My Sister's Keeper up from the library (yes, the same library; we really only go to one), and from the moment I started reading, I couldn't put it down. I finished it about five minutes ago, and the same tears I had throughout the movie are coming back to haunt me. All this, despite the book and movie having drastically different endings.
From what I read on her site, Jodi Picoult is none too happy with the way her story was adapted. Certainly the original ending was sad, but so is the ending of the movie. The only difference is that a different person dies. But that makes all the difference. I encourage you, my readership, to experience both the book and movie for yourselves. As far as the order is concerned, I tend to read the book first, but that's just because it's what I know best.
~Sushi
P.S. Thank you, Faythe, for giving me a bit of steam back.

Hamlet Goes to Hollywood

Spock and I are taking an Introduction to Shakespeare class, and one of the requirements is that we read one play a week. Last week, we read Hamlet, which I thoroughly enjoyed, because one of my favorite movies is The Lion King, which is based upon that particular play. I was reading Hamlet's soliloquy, and I noticed that there are an awful lot of movie titles within the text. So, I've decided to do a bit of research, and find every single movie title within his famous monologue. And, as usual, I will be using the Internet Movie Database extensively.


To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly/ to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

Wow... Just... wow.
~Sushi

A Fancier Free Lunch

Today, there was a symposium at school, on the development of the modern Middle East. Understandably, I went, considering that I happen to be in a Middle Easter history class. I thought it was fascinating. We learned about the development of the countries' borders, about women's rights, and the enforcement of negative stereotypes, all before lunch! And, also because I'm in the history class, I got a free lunch, and got to meet with the presenters. It was awesome, even if the lunch was a tad skimpy. Usually, school gives pretty good lunches [I've been to more than a few shindigs, given that I'm one of those "smart kids"]; this time, it was kind of pathetic. Ah well, food is food.
Also, Spock introduced me to an awesome show: "The IT Crowd". I've only watched a few episodes, but I can already tell that the rest of the show will be just as awesome.
Just as an example, watch this clip.
And this is what Spock aspires to do?! I think he's crazy.
~Sushi

An Open Letter to Stephen King

Dear Mr. King-
I am writing to you in order to ask your personal permission to record one of your books as an audiobook for my dad. He and I are both very big fans of yours, and we're utterly baffled as to why Christine has never been recorded. He read it as a teenager, but currently he doesn't have the time to sit down and enjoy a book. He prefers to read with headphones on, whilst overhauling transmissions, washing dishes, or fixing the pipes in the basement. I love my dad, and I'm indebted to him not only for his introducing me to your works, but also because he taught me how to read, at age three. I've have a voracious appetite for books ever since, and your books are among those I have read the most.
I'm asking your permission simply because I think it is the right thing to do. I read that your children, when they were younger, recorded books for you, and I would like to do the same for my dad. Either that, or could you possibly explain why Christine has never been released in an audio format? Is there some underlying reason why mine and Dad's favorite book is seemingly the only one in your catalog that is not an audiobook?
I am including in this letter pictures of my and Dad's Stephen King collections, book-wise anyway. We also own the majority of the movies based on your novels, novellas, and short stories. I think I'd have to say my favorite is one of the more obscure--Maximum Overdrive. At one point, after we bought the DVD, we sold our VHS copy on half.com; it went to a buyer in Roswell. Needless to say, we were thrilled.


<sub>Dad's audio collection

My collection [1]

My collection [2]</sub>

Thank you for writing such wonderful books. Hopefully you will take the time to write me back.
Sincerely,
[Sushi] Williams

Mind Readers, Nervous Teachers, and Jell-o Worms

Today was a fabulous day. No doubt about it. I got out of my first class, Community-Oriented Policing, after about 15 minutes, because the teacher, who I also have for Juvenile Delinquency, had to catch a plane to California; his son is getting married. So, no morning classes for the rest of the week! I walked down to the cafeteria, to try and find Spock, but I was deterred by the school-provided entertainment. Our coordinator takes very good care of the students; she comes up with most interesting things for us. This time, she hired a mind-reader named Christopher Carter. He did hypnotism, and blind-folded identification of random, audience-provided items, and other things that made us giggle. I have a bad feeling that it's all a hoax, and that he was being fed information through a headset, but it was interesting nonetheless. However, the last part of his act was a rather shameless plug of the CDs and DVDs he was selling, so I went upstairs to go to my next class, Middle Eastern History.
I believe that this class is the epitome of what I am trying to accomplish with my blog. In times of crisis such as these, college classes are about as close as I can get to Middle Eastern culture, and because I am in community college, the class is even reasonably priced! We are going to explore not only the history of the Middle East, but also its literature, culture, and people. I'm extremely excited for this.
Oh, and today was the first time I ate Jello-o with a straw. It was amazing.
One thing I have to mention is my teacher, Mr. Kistler. He is a very nervous person. Nice, friendly, cheerful, but very nervous. He says "Uh," a lot. And, I've decided to keep you all posted on how many times he says "Uh" per class. Just for the giggles. He gets a free day today, being the first class and all, but from Thursday on, I will be keeping a running total.
Let's hope he doesn't read this on my Facebook feed...
~Sushi

Kafka's Literary Suicides

I'm not really up to writing too much; after all, I just got back from a three-day camping trip in the woods, in below-freezing weather. Spare me this one day, please.

I wrote this paper for my Intro to Humanities class over the summer:
With the conclusion of “The Judgment,” a short story by Franz Kafka, the main protagonist, Georg Bendemann, is sentenced to death by drowning. The giver of this sentence is his father, and after it is pronounced, Georg throws himself over a bridge into a river. This seemingly crucial part of the story is followed by an endless flow of traffic across that same bridge (Mairowitz 34-35).As in many of Kafka’s stories, death is made to be insignificant when compared to the continual flow of life surrounding it. The prevalence of deaths in Kafka’s writings allude to the fact that he would rather have been death than alive. However, as he was quite pessimistic, suicide didn’t seem to be an option for Kafka—“You, who aren’t capable of doing anything, you want to do this [suicide], of all things?!?” (36). Kafka’s personal writings are full of his imaginings of his own demise:

To be dragged in through the ground-floor window of a house by a rope tied around my neck and then to be yanked upwards, bloody and mutilated, as if by someone not paying attention, with no consideration, through all the ceilings, furniture, walls and attics, until the last torn-off bits of me drop from the empty noose as it crashes through the tiles and comes to rest on the roof (4).

Instead, Franz Kafka committed a different form of suicide, that which could be called literary suicide. Rather than committing the actual act of suicide, Kafka chose to create main characters eerily similar to himself, whether physically or mentally, and to kill them off by the end of each of his stories. This essay will detail three of the best known cases of these literary suicides.
Josef K. awoke one morning to find himself under arrest, for a crime that would not be relayed to him (88). Thus, “The Trial” begins. K., Kafka’s literary persona in this story, is never told of the crime he has committed, though he searches far and wide for the answer. When no answer could be found, Josef K. submits to his persecutors, and is led to a field where he is expected kill himself. Just as Kafka cannot commit suicide, neither can Josef K., who instead glances toward a nearby house (92-93). A “human silhouette” leaned out of a window, opening its arms toward K (94). Finally, as K. watches this mysterious figure, one of his two executioners proceeds to strangle him, while the other sticks him in the heart with a knife, “twist[ing] it twice” (95). Kafka appeared to find this immensely funny; it was said that he “laughed uncontrollably” while reading excerpts of the tale to his close friends (95). This, however, could have been Kafka hiding his true fear of the closeness of his own death.
In perhaps the most well-known of all his writings, Kafka relays to the reader what it would feel like to be treated as though one were dead before they have even descended into their grave. In “The Metamorphosis,” main character Gregor Samsa wakes to find himself “transformed in his bed into an enormous bug” (39). Samsa’s has completely shunned him long before he has died of neglect, but even before his transformation, they took his for granted completely. Samsa supported everyone in his household—his mother, father, and sister—for none of them seemed capable or willing to secure gainful employment. Even as a humungous bug, Samsa was willing to try going to work, but once his family caught sight of him, they were disgusted; Samsa then chose to confine himself to his room, eating the scraps that his sister, Grete, left for him (41-43). Despite his family’s ill treatment, Samsa felt far more shame than they did. In the end, Samsa hid himself away and entered a “state of peaceful meditation,” allowing himself to die in tranquility, knowing that he would burden his family no longer. Upon his discovery, the family began to spend more time together, and was quite happy (53,55). Kafka’s creation of this peaceful death may be wishful thinking on his part. His horribly low self-esteem made him feel as though he were an encumbrance to his own family. Kafka’s philosophy required him to “have at least one piece (of writing) directed against me” (159). “The Metamorphosis” could have been that day’s piece, as it declares that the family would be better off without him.
Satisfaction of life comes into question with Kafka’s “The Hunger Artist.” Said artist, who remains nameless, has become famous by starving himself for forty days at a time, though it was made certain by the end of the tale that he could have held out for much longer periods of time (145-146). After a time, though, spectators have lost interest in the hunger artist, as have the circus staff, who no longer change the sign indicating how long he has gone without food. After the hunger artist has gone without notice for quite a long period of time, the circus staff comes around to collect his seemingly empty cage. It is then that he enlightens the staff as to why he goes so long without eating. “…I could never find any food I liked… If I had found any …I’d have stuffed myself the same as you or anyone else!” (152) Upon saying this, the hunger artist dies, whereby he is buried and replaced with a panther. Crowds were fascinated by this foreign beast, which was brought all the food it desired, and was full of life, as opposed to its predecessor, who seemed the embodiment of Death itself (152-153). Kafka’s desire for more in life may be what led him to write this story. Just as the hunger artist can never find a food that he will enjoy, Kafka never found a companion that he felt worthy of, and of whom he had no fear.
Kafka finally did die of tuberculosis in 1924. By the time he died, the effects of his illness had destroyed his voice, forcing him to communicate with notes. It must also be noted that Kafka could barely eat; this was the time period in which he wrote “The Hunger Artist.” Through his literary deaths, Kafka may have gained some peace, but hardly enough to placate the demons within him. Instead, Kafka chose to kill himself time and again, reminding readers that death is beckoning them ever closer.

~Sushi