Toby Jones' _____ ASS Various Entrepreneurial Escapades!

Spock recently brought to my attention a guy named Toby Jones, who makes various completely bombastic commercials. What struck me as interesting is the 708 area code on all the phone numbers; clearly, he's an Illinois native, from somewhere in Cook Country, which is where I grew up. Sadly, when I tried to reverse look-up the numbers, I got no results, so they must be cell phone numbers. Spock tried to call at least one, and the voicemail was full.

The gimmick is that Jones has several business enterprises, which all combine two seemingly random separate businesses, and all of which have the word "ass" in the title.

Here are some of the videos. These are definitely NSFW, as they contain frequent vulgarities.

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage
"The fact of the matter is, I'm pretty drunk right now..."

Jones' Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage
"We got fine dinosaur meats!"

Jones' Cheap Ass Prepaid Legal and Daycare Academy
"Prepaid, meaning you need to pay before."

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage (2nd Spot)
"Your mother-in-law kinda skinny. I can fold her up, put her on my back on a bicycle, and bring her down on this motorcycle."

Trust me, he is the sexiest man on these interwebs.
~Sushi

Little Monsters Unite!

A sick thing happened today. Anyone who hasn't been hiding under a rock knows that the music video for Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' has held the most-viewed spot on Youtube for months now. I'm one of the people who helped it get there, and maybe you are, too. Well, we have to do it again. As of today, Mama Monster has been pushed out of the top spot by none other than, dare I say it... Justin Bieber. Some nauseating tripe that spewed forth from the gob of the Biebs is the Number #1 video on Youtube. Needless to say, this must be stopped. So, my part is to watch the video over and over, and to stay THE HELL away from the Biebs' bullshit; the name of the song is 'Baby', for Pete's sake. Would you be so kind as to do the same?



Together, we can put Gaga back where she belongs: on top.
~Sushi
P.S. I'm just crazy as hell sometimes, aren't I?

The Feverish Flux of Human Interface and Interchange

Time to start talking about Rush again. Today was the one and only American screening of Beyond the Lighted Stage, the Rush documentary. I, for one, am glad I was smart enough to pre-order tickets online. When Spock and I got to the theater, the show was sold out. There were maybe three seats left by the time everyone got there. I severely underestimated Rush's impact on northeastern Illinois, I guess. There were so many of us! But, in retrospect [pun intended], I'm not all that surprised. The movie was great. It's not getting that great of reviews, but then, Rush never has. And they make a point of saying that. Giving Beyond the Lighted Stage bad reviews is along the same lines as burning copies of Fahrenheit 451; the action only serves to drive home the point that the movie/book is making.
But, back to humor. I've never been in a theater that was so... loud! Well, apart from Rocky Horror and Repo! shows. But those are meant to be especially raucous. This was like going to a concert. Which reminds me... Spock and I decided to split the cost of tickets to one of the shows Rush is doing in Chicago. This morning I found tickets on Ticketmaster that are $49.50 each, which, while it might sound expensive to some, are the cheapest tickets I have ever seen for a Rush concert. Ahhhh... Now that that's over with, I have a little bit more to discuss about the movie. Okay, Jack Black is great and all, in his own right, but I really didn't want to see him in his usual semi-retarded state in a movie about my favorite band. He's more of an irritant than an actor. Other than that, most of the people who were interviewed behaved fairly well. And the home videos and childhood pictures that were shown were practically a treasure unto themselves. We got to see Rush perform when they were younger than I am, in basements and bars. Not basement bars, though; at least, I don't think so. Sorry, no more puns.
The musical selection was good, although most of the tunes are the same few songs that show up on every greatest hits album Rush has ever made-- Chronicles, the Retrospectives, et cetera. I think that, with the extensive catalog Rush has put together, there could have been a lot more deep tracks. After all, this is a movie made for Rush fans, by, presumably, Rush fans. With that, I present to you my suggestions for...
15 Rush Songs that Should have been Included in Beyond the Lighted Stage
^{Alphabetized, in order to avoid a ruckus}
1. Available Light, from Presto
2. Chemistry, from Signals
3. Cinderella Man, from A Farewell to Kings
4. Different Strings, from Permanent Waves
5. Digital Man, from Signals
6. Here Again, from Rush
7. Hope, from Snakes and Arrows - Spock and I were sad that our song wasn't included
8. I Think I'm Going Bald, from Caress of Steel
9. Leave That Thing Alone!, from Counterparts
10. Madrigal, from A Farewell to Kings
11. Mission, from Hold Your Fire
12. Resist, from Test for Echo
13. Summertime Blues, from Feedback
14. Tears, from 2112
15. Vital Signs, from Moving Pictures
And some Lerxst rants! _{That last one is totally worth the wait}
So, apart from Jack Black and a lack of deep-cut tracks--wow, that's a lot of rhymes-- I absolutely adored Beyond the Lighted Stage. And I can't wait for the VH1 premiere on June 26th, so I can watch it again!
~Sushi

Hyrumisms

One of my favorite teachers from KCC, Dr. Hyrum LaTurner--yes, I had an actual doctor [of philosophy] for a teacher--is leaving my alma mater to teach in Utah. Even though I'm friends with him on Facebook, and even though I don't go to KCC anymore, having graduated a few weeks ago, I still feel like something will be missing once he is gone. And so, to immortalize Hyrum on the internet in a way I'm sure he won't exactly appreciate, I dug up my notes from the class I took with him my first semester at KCC. You see, Hyrum is absolutely, and unintentionally, hilarious. I wrote down some of the funniest things he said, and I had planned to publish them at some point. This is that point.
Without further ado, I present, in no particular order:
Hyrumisms
9/2/2008
"And it made me want to vomit... It just rubbed me weird!"--on the textbook/curriculum


8/26/2008
"Do dogs have math?"


9/2/2008
"Is it going to be easy to involve people in an activity that'll suck for them but'll be absolutely great for your mother?"


9/22/2008
"...wild 'n' crazy crap..."--on Thrasymachus, from Plato's Republic


9/22/2008
"...locked in the closet, thrown dog food... Hey, this is my autobiography! My parents did that to me!"--on making humans less human


9/22/2008
"People they call righteous get away will all kinds of crap."


9/22/2008
"Happy is its own kind of thing, isn't it?"


9/22/2008
"Neither that either!"


9/22/2008
"I take some of the names that you call me and I turn around and tell them to my grandkids, and they think it's hilarious."--on how old geezers can play pranks, too


9/22/2008
"We can't let our evil guy ever slip up because then he'd just be an idiot. This guy is just really good at being evil."--on justice vs. evil


9/30/2008
"Maybe I'll find a really good gruesome picture to leave it on."-on watching awfully depressing movies on Youtube


9/30/2008
"If you starve to death, you can have as much hope as you want; you're still dead."--on hope


9/30/2008
"There is a kind of positive spin on suffering."


9/30/2008
"Right! You're uniquely alone in the world!"--on being an individual


10/7/2008
"Lots of money equals lots of rules."


10/7/2008
"They're a perfect storm of wisdom."--on true guardians, from Plato's Republic


10/7/2008
"Even if you're schizophrenic, there's still just one of you."--on the soul


10/7/2008
"Wow, check that out! There's body parts all over the highway!"--on not wanting to look


9/9/2008
"You boyfriend hasn't been coming to my class!"

"Well, my boyfriend also dumped me..."

"Huh. Well, whenever he comes back, I'll give him an 'F'."--on my failed relationship


9/9/2008
"What in the heck is so important about this crap?"--on Plato's Republic


9/9/2008
"You know... they don't have Viagra in the 4th century B.C."


9/9/2008
"You should turn the other cheek because you... preserve your cheeks."--on morality


9/9/2008
"You freakin' idiot! You ruined my horse and turned it into a dog!"--on proper training


10/28/2008
"If you're a cobbler and somebody's robbing old ladies, you can't just be like, 'I'm a cobbler! All I do is make shoes!'"--on justice


10/28/2008
"I can hit you with a hammer just as well as anyone, but it won't get rid of the tumor."--on useless philosophers


10/28/2008
"When you see the truth, people will think there's something wrong with you."


11/4/2008
"'Wow, he's hot.' And the other one would be like, 'No, he's not...'."--on beauty


11/4/2008
"If I and you had a different meaning of the word beauty..."


11/4/2008
"Oh gross, it's so beautiful!"


11/4/2008
"Somebody might say that's beautiful and you say 7.5. That's just double-pretty. That's not beautiful."


11/4/2008
"That happens all the time with dumb masses!"--[say it quickly; I dare you.]


11/4/2008
"To say something is to imply its is-ness."--defining "is"


This one just about sums it up:
11/4/2008
"You know, I know that I'm weird... in lots of ways..."
We know, Hyrum. We know.
~Sushi

Stiffer, Greater, Quicker, Mightier

For those who don't know, I have to tell you that I love techno. I think it comes with the territory of geekhood. One of the best techno songs I have ever heard is "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk. If you frequently frequent Youtube, you may have noticed that others share my sentiment, in some rather creative ways. Today, I'm going to share with you some of the more inventive ways my fellow Youtubers have of paying homage to this song.
Top Nine HBFS Videos
1. Daft Hands
2. Daft Bodies
3. Daft Bros
4. Daft Scrabble
5. Daft Cups
6. Daft Mouth
7. Daft NES
8. Daft Cards
9. Daft GIF
Honorable mention: Groovy Dancing Girl
I blame Spock for this one; all I did was listen to one innocent song, and it turned into hours on Youtube. He's good like that.
~Sushi

After All These Years

Yesterday was my parents' 20^th anniversary. Yes, they got married on April Fool's Day; I can't complain if you have a laugh about it because everyone does. In order to celebrate, I stayed up all night making a video for them, with a bunch of old pictures and the song "Still the One" by Orleans; it's one of their favorites. As usual, Youtube denied me the permission to put it up with the song, because of copyright issues. I'm so tired of that happening. So, I put it on Facebook instead; I apologize if the link doesn't work, even though it should be a public video. Youtube really has to get over themselves about copyright violations; no-one is making money off of the uploaded videos except them, anyway.
The Nationwide Equality Prom was today, so Spock and I, along with a few of our friends, dressed up in our high school-prom finest and went to school. I was very disappointed. Despite all the staring and outright jeering, almost no-one asked us what we were all about. It was fun, sure, but did it actually have a purpose? I doubt it.
Anyway... In honor of my parentss anniversary,and because we've been watching America's Funniest Home Videos a lot lately, I give you:
Twenty Hilarious Wedding Videos!
1. Wedding Mishaps Compilation
2. Wedding Fainter
3. Wedding Guest FAIL
4. Wedding Bloopers
5. Drunk Scottish Wedding Guest
6. How to Ruin a Wedding in 1:37
7. Idiot Ruins Brother's Wedding
8. Bride Cheats with the Best Man
9. Bride Gets Dress Caught on Fire
10. Cat Fight at Our Wedding
11. Maid of Honor Gets Knocked Out!
12. World's Shortest Wedding Toast
13. Bride Falls in Pool
14. Wedding Mistake
15. Worst Wedding Moments
16. Trying to Drink at Wedding Fail
17. How NOT to Make a Wedding Entrance
18. Wedding Disaster
19. Best Man Fail
20. Top 20 Stupid Things to Do at a Wedding
Congrats, Mom and Dad!
~Sushi

We Will Fight in the Shade

The first time Spock watched 300 was at a military base in Spain. The first time I watched it was in my living room, with Spock and Severe. Either way, and in either place, it was fucking amazing. There is no other way to describe it. There was so much blood, and so much yelling, and stabbing, and piercings, and pert naked breasts... so much of everything that is awesome in life. I know I'm behind in watching 300, seeing as it came out almost four years ago, but the hype was definitely true to the movie. Few hyped-up movies can live up to expectations, but this one has. And, so that you can enjoy it further, I present...
Top Ten 300 Spoofs and Parodies
^{...and my favorite line from each}
1. 300 - PG Version
^{This is delicious!}
2. 300 Trailer - Second Best Parody Ever
^{He's always kicking Persians}
3. This is Sparta! Last techno remix
^{I'm gonna die!!!!!}
4. The Latino Comedy Project's "300"
^{*Mexicans roaring*}
5. The Spartan 300 Workout Program
^{Learn how to kill walls with your bare hands.}
6. It's Raining 300 Men
^{It's raining men! *Persians fall off of cliff*}
7. Failed "300" Auditions
^{Yes, we are looking for big nipples.}
8. 300 Parody - Where's My Cat?
^{FIND MR. SCUFFLES!}
9. Sparta Remix - Chocolaaate!
^{This! Is! CHOCOLATE!}
10. 300 LEGO Trailer
^{We're in for one wild night..}
Even a god-king can bleed.
~Sushi

Bitchin' in the Kitchen

I bet you didn't know that there was a sequel to my favorite movie, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. There is, and it's a hellish, weird-ass piece of film. In fact, the only reason it can be classified as a "sequel" is because Brad and Janet are central characters. They aren't even played by the same people, though! As far as I could see, only three actors were retained: Richard O'Brien, naturally; Patricia Quinn, and the guy who played the criminologist. Oh, the title... The title of the movie is Shock Treatment. It was made in 1981, six years after the original cult classic. And, despite it being absolutely abhorrent, I'd love to watch it again, if I could find a decent copy. And, I would love for it to be on DVD; the VHS copy I borrowed from the library, I suspect, is an original copy.
For now, though, I need to detox from that movie, and the best place to do that I Youtube. Therefore, I give you...
Eight Animated Rocky Horror Songs
1. Eddie's Teddy
2. Let's Do The Time Warp Again
3. Science Fiction Double Feature (Ode Tribute)
4. anime horror picture show - creature of the night: The song is actually called "Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me", but this is so cute, I'll let it slip.
5. Orochimaru is a Sweet Transvestite: I don't care for Naruto, but this was a nicely-done AMV, so I've included it.
6. Rocky Horror Lego Show AC2008
7. #74 Ouran Horror Picture Show Ep 5- The Sword Of Damocles
8. Lion King and Rocky Horror Picture Show

Planet, schmanet, Janet.
~Sushi

Pining for the Fields?!

I'm feeling rather jaunty tonight. My dad found a Monty Python special on IFC- they've been running them for about a month now- so I decided to write a second, certainly funnier, blog entry.
So of course, being a Monty Python freak, I am linking you up to my...
Top 13 Favorite Monty Python Skits

1. Ministry of Silly Walks
2. How Not to Be Seen
3. The Parrot Sketch
4. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
5. The Galaxy Song
6. The Lumberjack Song in German
7. Self-Defense Against Fruit
8. The Black Knight
9. The Spanish Inquisition
10. Argument Clinic
11. Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge
12. Military Fairy
13. The Funniest Joke in the World
Oh, and just for kicks, Rowan Atkinson: Invisible Drums

Always look on the bright side of life!
~Sushi

It's Coming Out On the 17th of this Year!

Well, it's finally coming! I've been waiting for this day since at least early May, if not for my entire teenaged life previous to that date! Star Trek is coming out on DVD, and various other playable disc-like things! If only it was going to be released on Laserdisc; I'd be overjoyed to use my amazing Laserdisc player for something as awesome and Star Trek. Nevertheless, i will soon be able to drool over Zachary Quinto, on a somewhat smaller screen than before. [Don't tell my Spock that I sort-of, kind-of crush on this Spock as well...]

My list for today is...
Seven Amazing Dubs of [the late] Billy Mays Commercials

1. Neverscrub
2. Might Putty
3. Bigy City Sliders
4. Hercules Hooks
5. Orange Glow
6. OxiClean Detergent Balls
7. Kaboom
Oh, and here's one from Vince!
BONUS! Slap Chop
You'll never look at infomercials the same way again. Ever.
~Sushi

Teach Your Children...Well?

My humanities professor often diverts from the discussion topic to go on a tangent, usually involving Youtube. I can't help but mention this because, due to the fact that it's a marriage and the family class, we have to talk about reproduction. So, he brings up the subject of toys used to nurture female children, and to teach them the motherhood role. There are some disgusting toys out there, but these certainly top the list. The first two were discussed in class; the rest, I ventured out into the world wide webiverse to bring to you lovely people.


Top 5 Creepiest Children's Toys
1. Baby Pee Pee


2. Baby Glutton: a doll that teaches young girls to breastfeed


3. Baby Wee Wee


4. Baby Alive: this doll defecates!


5. Teddy Ruxpin: that toy is too terrifying for words.


Sleep tight, and may you not have nightmares about the terrors of child development.
~Sushi

Where the Hell Is Matt?

Just a quick note. I just found this awesome video on Youtube called "Where the Hell is Matt?". This guy apparently travels to foreign countries just to get people to dance with him. Check this out:

This is the kind of thing I'd love to do. Not just the travelling, but also making people smile.
~Sushi

Rick Astley is Serious Business

I frequently listen to a local oldies station, and this morning, Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" came on. Spock, my boyfriend-like person, and I joked that the entire county had just been rickrolled. But, I thought about it for a while, and I wondered why the song is so damn funny. For those of you lucky enough to never have been rickrolled, here is the Pop Up Video version, courtesy of a lovely Youtuber.
Why is that song so funny? Is it because a gangly, red-headed Brit sounds like the biggest black baritone you've ever heard? Is it because the dance moves are so ludicrous that you can't help but laugh until a beverage spews out of your olfactory cavities? [That's your nose, just in case you were wondering.] I personally don't see what's so hilarious about it, probably because I had heard it long before it was transformed into the meme it is today. Which brings me to my list.


Top 5 Favorite Memes


1. Lolcats


2. McRolling


3. People of Wal-Mart


4. GraphJam


5. Chuck Norris Facts


I'm never gonna give the internets up.
~Sushi