13 September 2011

FutureMe Says Happy Birthday!

Today is my 21st birthday. I got a billion texts and Facebook wall posts, five birthday cards, and three or four phone calls from family, but only one email from the past.

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 7 months and 18 days ago, on January 25, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe,
You are now 21 years old. Please don't make a fool of yourself, drink until you're sick, or gamble all your money away. Stay safe, and stay smart.

08 September 2011

Toby Jones' _____ ASS Various Entrepreneurial Escapades!

Spock recently brought to my attention a guy named Toby Jones, who makes various completely bombastic commercials. What struck me as interesting is the 708 area code on all the phone numbers; clearly, he's an Illinois native, from somewhere in Cook Country, which is where I grew up. Sadly, when I tried to reverse look-up the numbers, I got no results, so they must be cell phone numbers. Spock tried to call at least one, and the voicemail was full.

The gimmick is that Jones has several business enterprises, which all combine two seemingly random separate businesses, and all of which have the word "ass" in the title.

Here are some of the videos. These are definitely NSFW, as they contain frequent vulgarities.

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage
"The fact of the matter is, I'm pretty drunk right now..."

Jones' Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage
"We got fine dinosaur meats!"

Jones' Cheap Ass Prepaid Legal and Daycare Academy
"Prepaid, meaning you need to pay before."

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage (2nd Spot)
"Your mother-in-law kinda skinny. I can fold her up, put her on my back on a bicycle, and bring her down on this motorcycle."

Trust me, he is the sexiest man on these interwebs.