Toby Jones' _____ ASS Various Entrepreneurial Escapades!

Spock recently brought to my attention a guy named Toby Jones, who makes various completely bombastic commercials. What struck me as interesting is the 708 area code on all the phone numbers; clearly, he's an Illinois native, from somewhere in Cook Country, which is where I grew up. Sadly, when I tried to reverse look-up the numbers, I got no results, so they must be cell phone numbers. Spock tried to call at least one, and the voicemail was full.

The gimmick is that Jones has several business enterprises, which all combine two seemingly random separate businesses, and all of which have the word "ass" in the title.

Here are some of the videos. These are definitely NSFW, as they contain frequent vulgarities.

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage
"The fact of the matter is, I'm pretty drunk right now..."

Jones' Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage
"We got fine dinosaur meats!"

Jones' Cheap Ass Prepaid Legal and Daycare Academy
"Prepaid, meaning you need to pay before."

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage (2nd Spot)
"Your mother-in-law kinda skinny. I can fold her up, put her on my back on a bicycle, and bring her down on this motorcycle."

Trust me, he is the sexiest man on these interwebs.
~Sushi

Just Say No... To Everything

Who's ready for a link- and picture-intensive blog post! ME!

Today, I went to the first Anime Club meeting of the year. We spent the meeting deciding on which series [plural] we should watch for the year. Rather than jabber on and on about how much we jabbered on and on during the meeting, I will instead introduce the top two series we chose in each category, accompanied by fan art from DeviantART [click on the picture for full-size!]. The *asterisk* indicates which series we will partake in.

ACTION

*Samurai Champloo


G Gundam


COMEDY

*Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt


Ghost Stories


DRAMA

Steins;Gate


*Black Butler


OLD SCHOOL
_{*voting in progress*}

The Big O


X


OVA/MOVIE
_{*we watch both*}

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time


Spriggan




And, as an added treat, have these TOP THREE WEIRD ANIME PARODIES!

1. Dragonball Z Abridged
Watch them ALL!

2. Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
And then, watch all of THESE!

3. YuGiOh Abridged: The Vagina Monologues
I believe the count was 87 vaginas. That is NOT OVER 9000!!!!

PANTSU! PANTSU! PANTSU!
~Sushi

Career Choices in Psychology and Other, Completely Unrelated Industries

After completing the O*NET Skills Search, I was matched with a rather surprising 254 different careers, including my current chosen occupational path, that of a marriage and family therapist. In fact, many of the careers had to do with mental health, as well as health services in general. I was given a rating of ‘Bright Outlook’ in 108 of these career options; my concentration was unfortunately not included in this list. I pride myself on being a well-rounded person, but some of the choices I was matched with surprised even me. With that in mind, I find this test to be a tad broad, and I feel that it needs many more options, in order to hone in on the true occupational skills of the taker. However, I still enjoyed taking the test, mostly because the enormity of my list made me giggle quite a bit. As per my psychological forum teacher's instruction, here is my evaluation of three of my matched careers, all of which I chose because they seem humorous.

Career 1 – Clergy

_{And I want to look just like this guy. Holy crap is he awesome.}

I have a bright future as a pastor, it would seem. While I can understand how my fabulous interpersonal skills and penchant for writing long papers that read like sermons might apply in this area, my absolute terror for public speaking eliminates this as a possibility. Also, in my chosen flavor of Christianity, Missouri Synod Lutheranism, women are not permitted to become anything higher than a deaconess. While I don’t agree with that particular belief, I don’t plan on converting any time soon, so don’t expect to see me at the pulpit.

Career 2 – Actuary

_{Punk actuaries. Hard-core!}

Admittedly, I didn’t know exactly what an actuary was until I read the description. However, I think I might be pretty decent at that. Despite my less-that-perfect grades, I love statistics. It’s the only math that makes any sense to me. And while running stats on risk factors might get depressing, if not boring, I’d still be better at crunching those numbers than being a ‘Municipal Fire Fighting and Prevention Supervisor’, which is by far the weirdest choice on my humongous list of careers that I am mostly unqualified for in real life.

Career 3 – Food Scientists and Technologists

_{I just can't take the word 'food' seriously as an adjective.}

How I was matched with a career in science absolutely baffles me. I distinctly remember not checking the ‘Science’ checkbox, because science, along with math, is not my strong point. Seeing as the first two words in the job description are ‘use chemistry’, I cannot explain why this would ever be a good career path for me. I can just see myself ‘discover[ing] new food sources’ that eventually turn out to be toxic, or exploding a taco while I’m analyzing its ‘food content’. Science and I simply don’t mix.

Using O*NET’s skill search was fun, if pointless. A small handful of the surplus of matches I procured were actually jobs I feel I could pursue successfully. As a whole, I liked this assignment, and hope that future assignments are as amusing.
~Sushi

The Dorm Life of Freak and Sushi

NOTE: If and when my sister Ladybug ever reads this post, she will flip her shit for the title. She's completely obsessed with one of the twins on The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. Only one of the twins, though.

I am sitting at my school-sanctioned desk, drinking a cup of extremely strong, possibly radioactive coffee that I just reheated in the industrial microwave in the kitchen. The microwave hums whenever someone opens it, and it reminds me irrevocably of a nuclear reactor. My roommate, Freak, is either sleeping or staring at the ceiling, but she has promised pancakes whenever she emerges from her side of the room. Lately she has been taken with randomly singing like an aging black gospel singer, and the fact that she is neither black nor aging doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest. I've been looking at the website Regretsy for days now, because it makes me laugh at humanity, and because I still don't have a great deal of homework. All of these random sentences are culminating in a blog entry that I don't honestly see an end to. I could do this all day. Like I said, not much homework.
So, pretty much every day, I do the same thing. I wake up in the morning--not feeling like P. Diddy--around 8AM, so I have plenty of time to take a shower or check my mail before I head for class at about ten 'til 9. Most days, I have class for five straight hours, with no breaks, which is a total kill-joy, but I can't complain because I planned it that way. I have absolutely no reason to skip classes when they're back-to-back. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have little to no classes, so I read, or do homework, or go to Wal-Mart. There's no mall or anything like that in Charleston, so it's either 'go to Wal-Mart' or 'wither away into nothingness from the boredom'. Maybe that's a tad extreme, though. I'll have plenty to do with the student organizations I've joined once school truly gets into gear.
I think my favorite part of living on campus is that fact that I can walk to the library in under a minute. And we have an amazing library; the entire fourth floor is A/V and music books, the first floor has an extremely eclectic graphic novels section that I am readily devouring, and really, it's just a beautiful building to behold. Not as gorgeous as Doudna, which I wrote about in a past entry, but still.
More about dorm life later; we're having a stand-up comedy marathon. Because someone is holding all of the Harry Potter movies in our library system hostage...
~Sushi

The Invisible Child-Eating Crocodiles that Live Absolutely Everywhere

Have you ever gotten a forward filled with funny, Photoshopped versions of children's books, all with seemingly the worst possible content and titles? Well, I get them a lot, and they never fail to amuse me, almost to the point of falling-out-of-my-chair laughter. ROFLing, if you will. I've written a half-dozen or so unpublished children's books, mostly for school, but I've never reached the raunchy caliber of some of the 'Shopped horrors that I have found while trolling about the internet. I hadn't thought about them for a while, but today I ran across another or Cracked.com's Photoshop contests. I'd like to share that, and a few more links to awful conceptions of books that should never be read by anyone, let alone children.
Just as a warning, a lot of these may be NSFW. _{That is, Not Safe for Work, for the less acronym-savvy among my readership.}
Books Your Local Library Will _Probably Not Have in Their Children's Section
Cracked: The 40 Most Inappropriate Children's Book Covers
DeviantART: Evil Children's Books
TresSugar: Recalled Children's Books
SlashFilm: Pixar Artist Josh Cooley’s Lil’ Inappropriate Golden Book Movies R Fun
Listverse: Kids Books Your School Doesn’t Stock: Part I & Part II
Something Awful: Children's Books: This goes on for 10 pages. And they are all awesome.
Huffington Post: The Creepiest Children's Books EVER: They all exist. For real.
For those of you who don't have the greatest internet connection, here are a few list-only links
1Funny: Top 50 Children's Book Title Ideas
Lots of Jokes: Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
University of Michigan: Children's Book Titles You'll Never See
Facebook: Children's Book Titles Never Published
For people with quick, amazing, awesome internet _{unlike me}, here is a video.
Strong Bad E-mail: Kid's Book
And yes, I know that there are some repeats across these lists. But how many awful parodies of juvenile literature did you honesty want in existence?
~Sushi

The Feverish Flux of Human Interface and Interchange

Time to start talking about Rush again. Today was the one and only American screening of Beyond the Lighted Stage, the Rush documentary. I, for one, am glad I was smart enough to pre-order tickets online. When Spock and I got to the theater, the show was sold out. There were maybe three seats left by the time everyone got there. I severely underestimated Rush's impact on northeastern Illinois, I guess. There were so many of us! But, in retrospect [pun intended], I'm not all that surprised. The movie was great. It's not getting that great of reviews, but then, Rush never has. And they make a point of saying that. Giving Beyond the Lighted Stage bad reviews is along the same lines as burning copies of Fahrenheit 451; the action only serves to drive home the point that the movie/book is making.
But, back to humor. I've never been in a theater that was so... loud! Well, apart from Rocky Horror and Repo! shows. But those are meant to be especially raucous. This was like going to a concert. Which reminds me... Spock and I decided to split the cost of tickets to one of the shows Rush is doing in Chicago. This morning I found tickets on Ticketmaster that are $49.50 each, which, while it might sound expensive to some, are the cheapest tickets I have ever seen for a Rush concert. Ahhhh... Now that that's over with, I have a little bit more to discuss about the movie. Okay, Jack Black is great and all, in his own right, but I really didn't want to see him in his usual semi-retarded state in a movie about my favorite band. He's more of an irritant than an actor. Other than that, most of the people who were interviewed behaved fairly well. And the home videos and childhood pictures that were shown were practically a treasure unto themselves. We got to see Rush perform when they were younger than I am, in basements and bars. Not basement bars, though; at least, I don't think so. Sorry, no more puns.
The musical selection was good, although most of the tunes are the same few songs that show up on every greatest hits album Rush has ever made-- Chronicles, the Retrospectives, et cetera. I think that, with the extensive catalog Rush has put together, there could have been a lot more deep tracks. After all, this is a movie made for Rush fans, by, presumably, Rush fans. With that, I present to you my suggestions for...
15 Rush Songs that Should have been Included in Beyond the Lighted Stage
^{Alphabetized, in order to avoid a ruckus}
1. Available Light, from Presto
2. Chemistry, from Signals
3. Cinderella Man, from A Farewell to Kings
4. Different Strings, from Permanent Waves
5. Digital Man, from Signals
6. Here Again, from Rush
7. Hope, from Snakes and Arrows - Spock and I were sad that our song wasn't included
8. I Think I'm Going Bald, from Caress of Steel
9. Leave That Thing Alone!, from Counterparts
10. Madrigal, from A Farewell to Kings
11. Mission, from Hold Your Fire
12. Resist, from Test for Echo
13. Summertime Blues, from Feedback
14. Tears, from 2112
15. Vital Signs, from Moving Pictures
And some Lerxst rants! _{That last one is totally worth the wait}
So, apart from Jack Black and a lack of deep-cut tracks--wow, that's a lot of rhymes-- I absolutely adored Beyond the Lighted Stage. And I can't wait for the VH1 premiere on June 26th, so I can watch it again!
~Sushi

Rush Are Coming

My favorite band of all time is Rush. I have been a big fan of other bands, like The Beatles, AC/DC, Mindless Self Indulgence, and even that awful period when I used to listen to Nickelback. But, after being introduced to Rush in high school, I have stuck by them like foot odor in Geddy Lee's Converse. Oh, and I have a huge crush on Geddy Lee, and I'm not afraid to say it. If I ever met him, I could die peacefully, knowing that I would never be as happy as I was in that moment. Wow, that's a tad creepy. Anyway... Rush is currently on tour, and while Spock and I most likely won't make it to their concert in our area, which is in early July, we will be going to the one-night-only Rush documentary that hits theaters on June 10th. Yes, it's next week, and we are just... freaking OUT right now. Also, on June 1st, Rush released two songs, Caravan and BU2U, from their upcoming album, Clockwork Angels. Spock's dad gave him an iTunes card for Christmas, which was regifted to me, since I am a total iTunes whore, so I put two and two together and bought the songs. They are awesome. You will listen to them.
In the spirit, not of radio, but of my recent obsession with Cracked.com, I ran a search for articles about Rush. While most of the articles I found are quite negative, I'll still share them, as it is every Rush fan's duty to learn that nearly everybody either hates or has never heard of Rush. Sometimes both.


8 Cracked.com Articles on the Canadian Supertrio
1. Cracked Topics: Rush
2. Cracked Topics: The Most Overrated Rock Bands: I'll just say I don't agree, and try not to choke anyone sitting by me
3. Cracked Topics: The Best Rock Drummers: ummm.... that's not nice, either
4. Cracked Topics: Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Neil Peart, briefly
5. Cracked Topics: Progressive Rock
6. Cracked Topics: Alvin & The Chipmunks: I bet you weren't expecting that; nor was I
7. Cracked Topics: Drums
8. Cracked Topics: Musical Instruments

Just as an aside, I wonder how many Rush fans absolutely despise Rush Limbaugh. That fat bastard makes it almost impossible to run a search on Rush. He's freakin' everywhere! Oh, well. When Limbaugh is dead and forgotten, we will always have the dulcet tones of Lee, Lifeson, and Peart. Amen, Rushians.
~Sushi
P.S. Also, the Rush Hour movies... Very annoying when looking for band news of a maple-y nature.

Hyrumisms

One of my favorite teachers from KCC, Dr. Hyrum LaTurner--yes, I had an actual doctor [of philosophy] for a teacher--is leaving my alma mater to teach in Utah. Even though I'm friends with him on Facebook, and even though I don't go to KCC anymore, having graduated a few weeks ago, I still feel like something will be missing once he is gone. And so, to immortalize Hyrum on the internet in a way I'm sure he won't exactly appreciate, I dug up my notes from the class I took with him my first semester at KCC. You see, Hyrum is absolutely, and unintentionally, hilarious. I wrote down some of the funniest things he said, and I had planned to publish them at some point. This is that point.
Without further ado, I present, in no particular order:
Hyrumisms
9/2/2008
"And it made me want to vomit... It just rubbed me weird!"--on the textbook/curriculum


8/26/2008
"Do dogs have math?"


9/2/2008
"Is it going to be easy to involve people in an activity that'll suck for them but'll be absolutely great for your mother?"


9/22/2008
"...wild 'n' crazy crap..."--on Thrasymachus, from Plato's Republic


9/22/2008
"...locked in the closet, thrown dog food... Hey, this is my autobiography! My parents did that to me!"--on making humans less human


9/22/2008
"People they call righteous get away will all kinds of crap."


9/22/2008
"Happy is its own kind of thing, isn't it?"


9/22/2008
"Neither that either!"


9/22/2008
"I take some of the names that you call me and I turn around and tell them to my grandkids, and they think it's hilarious."--on how old geezers can play pranks, too


9/22/2008
"We can't let our evil guy ever slip up because then he'd just be an idiot. This guy is just really good at being evil."--on justice vs. evil


9/30/2008
"Maybe I'll find a really good gruesome picture to leave it on."-on watching awfully depressing movies on Youtube


9/30/2008
"If you starve to death, you can have as much hope as you want; you're still dead."--on hope


9/30/2008
"There is a kind of positive spin on suffering."


9/30/2008
"Right! You're uniquely alone in the world!"--on being an individual


10/7/2008
"Lots of money equals lots of rules."


10/7/2008
"They're a perfect storm of wisdom."--on true guardians, from Plato's Republic


10/7/2008
"Even if you're schizophrenic, there's still just one of you."--on the soul


10/7/2008
"Wow, check that out! There's body parts all over the highway!"--on not wanting to look


9/9/2008
"You boyfriend hasn't been coming to my class!"

"Well, my boyfriend also dumped me..."

"Huh. Well, whenever he comes back, I'll give him an 'F'."--on my failed relationship


9/9/2008
"What in the heck is so important about this crap?"--on Plato's Republic


9/9/2008
"You know... they don't have Viagra in the 4th century B.C."


9/9/2008
"You should turn the other cheek because you... preserve your cheeks."--on morality


9/9/2008
"You freakin' idiot! You ruined my horse and turned it into a dog!"--on proper training


10/28/2008
"If you're a cobbler and somebody's robbing old ladies, you can't just be like, 'I'm a cobbler! All I do is make shoes!'"--on justice


10/28/2008
"I can hit you with a hammer just as well as anyone, but it won't get rid of the tumor."--on useless philosophers


10/28/2008
"When you see the truth, people will think there's something wrong with you."


11/4/2008
"'Wow, he's hot.' And the other one would be like, 'No, he's not...'."--on beauty


11/4/2008
"If I and you had a different meaning of the word beauty..."


11/4/2008
"Oh gross, it's so beautiful!"


11/4/2008
"Somebody might say that's beautiful and you say 7.5. That's just double-pretty. That's not beautiful."


11/4/2008
"That happens all the time with dumb masses!"--[say it quickly; I dare you.]


11/4/2008
"To say something is to imply its is-ness."--defining "is"


This one just about sums it up:
11/4/2008
"You know, I know that I'm weird... in lots of ways..."
We know, Hyrum. We know.
~Sushi

Mind Readers, Nervous Teachers, and Jell-o Worms

Today was a fabulous day. No doubt about it. I got out of my first class, Community-Oriented Policing, after about 15 minutes, because the teacher, who I also have for Juvenile Delinquency, had to catch a plane to California; his son is getting married. So, no morning classes for the rest of the week! I walked down to the cafeteria, to try and find Spock, but I was deterred by the school-provided entertainment. Our coordinator takes very good care of the students; she comes up with most interesting things for us. This time, she hired a mind-reader named Christopher Carter. He did hypnotism, and blind-folded identification of random, audience-provided items, and other things that made us giggle. I have a bad feeling that it's all a hoax, and that he was being fed information through a headset, but it was interesting nonetheless. However, the last part of his act was a rather shameless plug of the CDs and DVDs he was selling, so I went upstairs to go to my next class, Middle Eastern History.
I believe that this class is the epitome of what I am trying to accomplish with my blog. In times of crisis such as these, college classes are about as close as I can get to Middle Eastern culture, and because I am in community college, the class is even reasonably priced! We are going to explore not only the history of the Middle East, but also its literature, culture, and people. I'm extremely excited for this.
Oh, and today was the first time I ate Jello-o with a straw. It was amazing.
One thing I have to mention is my teacher, Mr. Kistler. He is a very nervous person. Nice, friendly, cheerful, but very nervous. He says "Uh," a lot. And, I've decided to keep you all posted on how many times he says "Uh" per class. Just for the giggles. He gets a free day today, being the first class and all, but from Thursday on, I will be keeping a running total.
Let's hope he doesn't read this on my Facebook feed...
~Sushi

Stupid TV! Be More Funny!

I've watched the Simpsons since I was born, or thereabout. And, since I was born in 1990, this means that I've been watching the show practically since the beginning. It phased in and out, but when I came back, the Simpsons were always right there on Fox 32 at 6:00pm on weekdays, and at 7:00pm on Sundays. It's no surprise, therefore, that tonight I watched the 20th anniversary special, as well as the 450th episode.
Without further ado, I present:
Twenty Fascinating Secondary Simpsons Characters
_{Brought to you by Wikisimpsons!}
1. Comic Book Guy - "Worst. Episode. Ever."

2. Dewey Largo - Most likely not related to the Largo family from Repo!

3. Dr. Hibbert - "Did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs?"

4. Duffman - "New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do?"

5. Frank Grimes - "I don't need safety gloves, 'cause I'm Homer Simp--"

6. George H. W. Bush - "What are you laughing at, Clinton?!"

7. Groundskeeper Willie - "Och, back to the loch wi' you, Nessie."

8. The Leprechaun - "Now you know what you have to do. Burn the house down! Burn 'em all!"

9. Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon - Fried Green Tomatoes is her favorite book, movie, and food

10. Milhouse Van Houten- Milhouse is allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy and even his own tears

11. Ned Flanders - "Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino"

12. Otto - Sometimes Otto will have acid trips while driving, or while out in public(his shoes spoke to him at Lollapalooza, stating they meant no harm and only wanted to listen to the music)

13. Poochie - Note: Poochie died on his way back to his home planet

14. Professor Frink - "GLAVIN!"

15. Rainier Wolfcastle - He is a veteran of many violent action movies, most notably "the McBain series which does not correspond to a 1991 action movie by the same name."

16. Señor Ding Dong - "Does anyone have any jumper cables?"

17. Seth and Munchie - "Get a load of Captain Bringdown! Woah!"

18. Sideshow Bob - "Hello, Bart."

19. Mr. Smithers - Smithers has the largest collection of Malibu Stacy dolls in the World and is the president of the Malibu Stacy fan club

20. Troy McClure - "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such [films, educational videos, voiceovers, etc.] as..."

Please... No more Simpsons movies...
~Sushi

ILL Routes Make Me Sick

Yesterday, I drove Spock to the airport. His family left for Florida about a week ago, but he had to stay here to finish finals. It was a fun drive there and back, but certainly lonely on the way home. I really don't like driving alone. So, on the return trip, I kept my eyes peeled for some interesting sights. It helped to quell the loneliness, and it made things more fun. So, for your entertainment, as well as mine...
There and Back Again: A Nervous Driver's Tale
Pikachu VW New Beetle

Inflatable Mario

Dancing Mario

Giant Inflatable Chicken Head

Jedi's Restaurant and Grill
_{I'm fairly sure this place has nothing to do with Star Wars}

The Giant Pipecleaner-like Decorations of my youth

Billboard Obituary

Dodge Charger Police Car [Alsip, IL]

Big Green Bridge!

Bumper Obituary

Nebraska plates

Inflatable Hot Air Balloons [2]


Inflatable Hunter Snowman

Half of a stop sign

Road Typo

Hedge Words

Stor-Trek II

In short, an absolutely distorted view of my childhood. Sickening, yet funny.
~Sushi