Hyrumisms

One of my favorite teachers from KCC, Dr. Hyrum LaTurner--yes, I had an actual doctor [of philosophy] for a teacher--is leaving my alma mater to teach in Utah. Even though I'm friends with him on Facebook, and even though I don't go to KCC anymore, having graduated a few weeks ago, I still feel like something will be missing once he is gone. And so, to immortalize Hyrum on the internet in a way I'm sure he won't exactly appreciate, I dug up my notes from the class I took with him my first semester at KCC. You see, Hyrum is absolutely, and unintentionally, hilarious. I wrote down some of the funniest things he said, and I had planned to publish them at some point. This is that point.
Without further ado, I present, in no particular order:
Hyrumisms
9/2/2008
"And it made me want to vomit... It just rubbed me weird!"--on the textbook/curriculum


8/26/2008
"Do dogs have math?"


9/2/2008
"Is it going to be easy to involve people in an activity that'll suck for them but'll be absolutely great for your mother?"


9/22/2008
"...wild 'n' crazy crap..."--on Thrasymachus, from Plato's Republic


9/22/2008
"...locked in the closet, thrown dog food... Hey, this is my autobiography! My parents did that to me!"--on making humans less human


9/22/2008
"People they call righteous get away will all kinds of crap."


9/22/2008
"Happy is its own kind of thing, isn't it?"


9/22/2008
"Neither that either!"


9/22/2008
"I take some of the names that you call me and I turn around and tell them to my grandkids, and they think it's hilarious."--on how old geezers can play pranks, too


9/22/2008
"We can't let our evil guy ever slip up because then he'd just be an idiot. This guy is just really good at being evil."--on justice vs. evil


9/30/2008
"Maybe I'll find a really good gruesome picture to leave it on."-on watching awfully depressing movies on Youtube


9/30/2008
"If you starve to death, you can have as much hope as you want; you're still dead."--on hope


9/30/2008
"There is a kind of positive spin on suffering."


9/30/2008
"Right! You're uniquely alone in the world!"--on being an individual


10/7/2008
"Lots of money equals lots of rules."


10/7/2008
"They're a perfect storm of wisdom."--on true guardians, from Plato's Republic


10/7/2008
"Even if you're schizophrenic, there's still just one of you."--on the soul


10/7/2008
"Wow, check that out! There's body parts all over the highway!"--on not wanting to look


9/9/2008
"You boyfriend hasn't been coming to my class!"

"Well, my boyfriend also dumped me..."

"Huh. Well, whenever he comes back, I'll give him an 'F'."--on my failed relationship


9/9/2008
"What in the heck is so important about this crap?"--on Plato's Republic


9/9/2008
"You know... they don't have Viagra in the 4th century B.C."


9/9/2008
"You should turn the other cheek because you... preserve your cheeks."--on morality


9/9/2008
"You freakin' idiot! You ruined my horse and turned it into a dog!"--on proper training


10/28/2008
"If you're a cobbler and somebody's robbing old ladies, you can't just be like, 'I'm a cobbler! All I do is make shoes!'"--on justice


10/28/2008
"I can hit you with a hammer just as well as anyone, but it won't get rid of the tumor."--on useless philosophers


10/28/2008
"When you see the truth, people will think there's something wrong with you."


11/4/2008
"'Wow, he's hot.' And the other one would be like, 'No, he's not...'."--on beauty


11/4/2008
"If I and you had a different meaning of the word beauty..."


11/4/2008
"Oh gross, it's so beautiful!"


11/4/2008
"Somebody might say that's beautiful and you say 7.5. That's just double-pretty. That's not beautiful."


11/4/2008
"That happens all the time with dumb masses!"--[say it quickly; I dare you.]


11/4/2008
"To say something is to imply its is-ness."--defining "is"


This one just about sums it up:
11/4/2008
"You know, I know that I'm weird... in lots of ways..."
We know, Hyrum. We know.
~Sushi