08 June 2010

No Zombie Is Safe from Chicago Ted

On Saturday, June 5th, 2010, in a move that unequivocally proved to my family that I do in fact think that every day is Hallowe'en, I dressed up as a zombie and lurched my way through downtown Chicago. Otaku, her girlfriend [let's call her Squeak], and I had heard about Zombie March Chicago 3 through Facebook, which is where we hear about most fun things, and decided to give it a try. I kept notes throughout the day, in order to compile a checklist of...

Things To Do: Zombie March Edition
Spray fake blood on clothes, floor, etc.
Get fake blood all over tub, hands,
Take a ton of pictures - repeat as necessary
Learn how much I have in common with Squeak [it's almost ridiculous]
Load blood-soaked clothes into large trash bag
Load clothes, make-up, camera equipment, people into small car
Drive and yell at cars and drive and get Mountain Dew and drive
Listen to awesome tunes: Daft Punk, The Birthday Massacre, My Chemical Romance
Yell, "FUCK YOU BP!" because fuck you, BP
Close Squeak's bank account
Drive more
Realize that we are all using the same tone of voice, and all sound like we're seven
Go to Squeak's second cousin's eight grade graduation party; watch family shenanigans; receive free food
PRODUCT IDEA: T-shirt - "Don't touch me; I'm sick. No, seriously. I am."
See Hindu temple; freak out
Put on much make-up; get dressed in bloody, damp zombie clothes
Try to catch train; go to wrong train station
Fall asleep during drive to Chicago
Go. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. TURN!
Get to Chicago two hours after march has started; zombie it up anyway
PRODUCT IDEA: Bumper sticker - "I have a horn, too."
Park car; put on more fake blood
Look for other zombies
Find one zombie, one homeless person, get distraught, go to Starbucks
Explain esoteric American culture to Chinese tourists; try to explain what zombies are
Find nice zombies, asshole zombies, mohawk zombies, zombies with sweet pants
Here the phrase, "Can I ask you a question? I keep seeing all these zombies..." about two dozen times
Get picture taken twice by people who asked, a billion other times by people who didn't
See someone whip out a video camera as you lurch past them in full zombie regalia
Scare the shit out of small children, especially that one little girl who looked like she was going to cry
Realize that your feet hurt, because you've been walking/lurking for several hours
Hear the phrase, "Why are you doing this?" over and over again
Have one person ask you, "Do you dress like that every day?" Do not punch this person.
Cut bottoms of Otaku's pants off with a key and a pen; this takes skillz
Have a total Rush-gasm over Rush carpet, Quebec license plate, Ontario Street, Rush Street
Find car; drive to Squeak's house
Take shower to wash fake blood off
Eat ice cream and drink orange pop while watching True Crime channel until midnight
Drive home

For more information about the Zombie March, as well as other zombie-related activities in Chicago [there are far more that you'd think there would be], visit Chicago Zombie.

Next year, Spock and I plan to go as zombie Vulcans, complete with green blood. Don't take our idea, or I'll eat your brains.

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