04 July 2010

Keine Worte

NOTE: I apologize in advance for injecting so much of my personal life into this entry. I've been mostly writing about movies and events, so of course it will seem a little odd when I just talk about myself. However, if I just keep all this weirdness inside, I may explode. The title of the post, by the way, means 'No Words' in German, a language that I sometimes revert to when English doesn't have pretty enough words to describe the way I feel.

I never saw this coming. I thought he was through with Spock, and I already knew he was through with me. His name, for our purposes, will be Nietzsche, for the famous "God is dead" philosopher who was his hero for so long. It has been almost year since we parted, on the most unpleasant of circumstances. As I have already written that story once, I'll direct you to it for reference: Click here.. The shorter version, for those of you who can't access the page [it may be blocked for those who aren't members of DeviantART], is that on Nietzsche's birthday, Spock and I went to his house to throw a small party. A lot of thought went into it, and when he appreciated absolutely none of it, I flipped my lid a little bit. I had already been taking medication for depression, and the dosage was high enough that it was actually doing more harm than good, and thoroughly destroyed my sense of self-preservation. After weeks of my phone calls and emails remaining unanswered, I did the worst thing possible--I tried to kill myself by overdosing on pills and cough syrup. I spent four days in the hospital; it would have been longer if insurance had allowed. While I was in the hospital, I left him a crazed voicemail, breaking up with him and calling him all sorts of names.
Months after I was released from the hospital, I attempted to apologize through email, but the only reply I received was "Please never message me again." So, I took to forgetting about him, and trying to be a better girlfriend to Spock, who was once Nietzsche's best friend. But now, a strange tide has turned. While checking his Facebook, Spock got a friend request from Nietzsche. He accepted it, mostly because I asked him to. Even after all the nastiness that came between Nietzsche and I in the end, I still wondered and worried about him. I am just the dumbest person I know. Why should I bother with a person that will never speak to me again, and who has probably blocked me from his memory at all costs? Because there was once a time that I loved him, and because that time existed, I will never forget him.
Oh, and his birthday is on July 9th if you want to drop him a line. I can't give you his email address, because I'm fairly sure he could sue me for that, but I'll make sure that your words are heard. If, you know, you have anything to say.
Happy Independence Day!

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